can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
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