I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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