Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
