Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
