Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
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