R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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