Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
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She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
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Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
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