we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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