A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Randomize
