I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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