I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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