there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
there is glitter all over my balls
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
