Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
