Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
