I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
