I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
