I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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