So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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