you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Randomize
