things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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