It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
