woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
