What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
