I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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