if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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