Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
