a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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