Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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