It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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