Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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