lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
