Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
