So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
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