If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
i just google imaged poop.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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