if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize