I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
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I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
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We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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