i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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