the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
