Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
