Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
you never un-have a 4some
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
