We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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