those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Vodka?
Forever.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
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