I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
There's always time for handjobs
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
