Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
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