Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
