cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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