i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
