I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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