I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
