Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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