her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Randomize
