Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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