finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
