I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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