The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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